In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I did not marry a roomba.
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