rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
