she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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