It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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