He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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