WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
