Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
