Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
