so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
