This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
