My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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