My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
