I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
