My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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