my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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