just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
vagina is talking i cant
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
