True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
