This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize