all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
