Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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