I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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