Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize