How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
