don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
