I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize