just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
