butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
