I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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