i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
