I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
