I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
