is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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