i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
this boner is exhausting
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize