You're completely useless in the revolution.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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