She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
