He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
