I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
