fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
