census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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