I haven't been this sober since birth.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
