i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You made out with two different species that night
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
