My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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