i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
