It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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