I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
