I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
