Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We left the knife in your bed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
