Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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