genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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