I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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