a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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