he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
