I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
