This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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