They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My vagina just clenched in fear
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