Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
