Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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