dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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