as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
